In an asshole, far, far away...
I was innocently browsing the internet yesterday when I came across the worst news imaginable. Some asshole at the head of Disney has announced that from 2016 on we will be seeing a new Star Wars movie EVERY YEAR!
I know what you’re thinking, “Every year? That has to be an exaggeration.” NOPE. After this trilogy they have another trilogy planned. In between trilogy movies they have stand alone movies they are also filming. They have already announced the release of a Star Wars movie in 2016, 2017 and 2018.
Let that sink in.
You will never stop hearing about Star Wars. TILL YOU DIE. Even if life extension becomes real and you’re nine years old reading this right now and you live to be 250, there will still be some asshole in a Darth Vader helmet saying, “I am your father” because by that time it’s been said so many times it’s ironic to say it which makes it funny again! SEE! SEE HOW THAT WORKS??? IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS.
And I’m not saying they’re all gonna be terrible either. I am in the minority of people who believe there still hasn’t been a good Star Wars movie. Return of the Jedi got the closest but if you don’t have childhood memories of watching it and loving it the movie just doesn’t hold up. Don’t get me wrong it’s beautiful, and there’s great scenes but as a film it’s boring. But I know most don't share my opinions.
If they’re doing a different one every year there will definitely be some great ones that will blow our minds. That’s not the problem.
The problem is how this decision was made. I don’t have to explain it to you but I will incase you don’t think all retarded like me.
So a bunch of Disney execs sit in some huge underground meeting room. Cell phone service is impossible to get, complete lock down. This is where they discuss the extremely important business of the future of Star Wars *YAWN*
An executive pulls out huge pie charts. One shows the amount of money they’ve invested in different toy lines like Star Wars Legos or Star Wars light sabers and the astronomical amount of money they’ve made off their investments.
Then another pie chart just detailing the ridiculous profits off all the Star Wars video games. This had to be it’s own pie chart because the computer couldn't make font small enough to display all the zero’s behind each number.
Then the executive gives a quick slide show of his family traveling the world, vacationing in the Bahamas and fucking lady boys in Thailand.
He ends by saying that whole vacation was off the profits of a Gogurt/Star Wars tie in he dreamed up two years ago that profited them over 4.5 million. Everyone gets up a does a quick crip walk and sits back down.
What do they talk about next? “We have three movies left, how do we keep the money train moving?” One idea is for one big TENTH STAR WARS! Yeah! End it on one huge film that’s 10 hours long. But you split it into 3 movies so it’s like another trilogy but It’s also one movie kind alike an HBO series.
No. What happens in 20 years once we’ve spaced all those movies out and the last one comes?
The next idea is to remake the whole series again. Starting from the beginning! Everyone pats themselves on the back. That gives them enough time to die and still be making money.
The smoking man in the back corner coughs and everyone gets quiet. He pulls out a new pie chart. This one shows the past 10 years and the over all profits from Star Wars. He points to the years where there was an actual Star Wars movie coming out in theaters. The pie chart shows the peak in prophets for those years. The man coughs again. Everyone is quite.
“A new Star Wars every year, FOREVER.”
The room is stunned. No one moves. A tidal wave of cheer erupts through the room. “Big Pimpin’” by Jay –Z comes on and everyone grabs a bottle of champagne from under their desk and pops it.
You see, no matter what the movie is, if it says Star Wars in the title, there’s a certain amount of seats that will be filled and a certain amount of DVDs that will be sold. As they completely ruin the Star Wars name over the next 50 years with the next 50 movies that number will go down. But as long as the cost of making the film goes down too and they always make a profit. It will never stop. If anything the films will slowly devolve more into films for children until we watch them the same way we watch all CGI Disney movies, with our kids and only with our kids. All because of that fat fuck George Lucas.
This is the beginning of a new era. This is our life now. Star Wars. Ever year. Forever.
Fucking kill me.